“how to analogise the dream I’ve had for the past year? –
I ask myself – what is he like??
He’s like Pan;
dirty, dark, smelly and sexy
He’s like Jesus;
only he won’t die
and he won’t be coming back
He’s like me;
but with balls and a job and social life
He doesn’t exist; he forces me to see how much I create in my mind. He’s never the same person twice;he forces me to see how much I change.
He isn’t the man I think he is (and I’m not either)
I don’t know what to do about it, what am I supposed to do about it? How can I move this out of my body, out of my mind? How can I make space for anyone else while every bit of me is consumed by this weirdness? Its in my blood stream, pumping through all of me. “
(August 18, 2007; paper journal entry)