‘its so quiet when they’re asleep’ d sinclair 2008 all rights reserved
Some of you who know me are aware that in a few days it’ll be my birthday and that I’ve spent the past week or so in quiet contemplation of what this means.
I’m not really a party person but I do usually like to celebrate the turn of another wheel with some kind of ritual or another. This year, I suppose, will be no different – except that I’ve made no plans at all and, well, I don’t plan to make any. Which, yes, is just silly.
Maybe I’ll be spontaneous for once. I can be spontaneous. Really.
Well alright. I’m actually a little funkier than is reasonable about having a birthday – and I tell you its most definitely not because for the first time I realise I’m not a young woman anymore. No sir-ee.
I’m not looking in the mirror for wrinkles and sagging and greys (although they are there). Something has happened to me over the past twelve months or so and I no longer see myself in the same way. I see myself as a person who has something to offer the world, not someone who is waiting for the world to show her what’s, well, on offer. I don’t look for what others might see of me either.
I think its good to be older and wiser. I’ve never been more accepting of myself. I’ve passed the tidemark whereby I could get away with anything because I was somewhat cute and sexy. Now I’m now called on to have some substance – from within – to be something more.
And so why am I so blah about celebrating this year?
For one thing, true to my former, flakier self, I asked (and paid) an astrologer to look at my natal chart and do a forecast for the year. In the course of things this apparently required dredging through some murky past events that I’d rather leave in the murky depths. I’ve been down there and can honestly say I like it a whole lot better here where I am. (heavy sigh here)
So what if my whole history is still with me? I’m aware that I lived a lot of upheavals in my childhood, and that I will most likely always have a slight issue with being ‘uprooted’. In defence of upheavals and up-rooted-ness, though, these once gave me the courage to travel alone to the other side of the world with nothing but a suitcase and the money in my pocket. (wow, what ever happened to that girl?) Many an adventure required that I transplant myself across borders and it never occurred to me that I couldn’t.
I like that I have a so-called ‘unstable’ background. I do. I have no tribal conventions to tie me down and tell me how to live my life. My limitations and beliefs are my own. I fly my way, and love it. I’m free to make of myself what I will, and I do.
Well and truly gone are the days I tried to ‘fit in’ and let small minds tell me I need to improve myself and thus my fortune.
What am I being so grumpy about then? I am positively sulking. Not exactly grown up is it??
Hm. Could it be a wind of change I can feel? I think it is, and it has me spooked. No question about it I shouldn’t have asked for that forecast either.
The distant past and the possible future – what have I done? Even if knowing what’s in front of me helps me to steer my course or if understanding how I got to this point is reassuring, I can only deal with whatever’s here and now.
And so this is where I am, staring out ahead of me, holding on to who I am, (with my big bad scary past and all those things I forgive myself for) shaking off a dream about change.
I still don’t feel like going anywhere. But I trust that I’ll be OK.