oh dear God….

I wish I had time to blog these days.  I really do.

I’m grabbing a few moments while The Dung Bug, now four years old, watches a movie on Apple TV and the other children are otherwise occupied.

Life sure is busy these days – I jam into the weekends what I’d usually spread out during the week.  The week is taken up with working full-time and trying to make it up to my children that I’m no longer so available to them.  Not that I feel guilty – far from it – I just see that they need mothering and try harder to be present for them.

Actually, I’ve found myself experiencing these extraordinary moments of joy with my children lately.  I just appreciate them more, hear their words more clearly, see their little faces vividly and want to shower them with love.  So I’m grateful to my ex husband for being so crap at providing for them that I must do his job for him, to my father for selling the house out from under us (because the day is bound to arrive that I can provide my family with a permanent home), to that other one for leaving me in peace to raise the Dung Bug as I see fit.  My life with my children is my own, and I’m enjoying it more than ever.

In my ‘spare’ time I’m working through A Course In Miracles and Marianne Williamson’s A Course In Weight Loss.  I’m not an overweight person, but I reached a point a few months back at which I realised I could no longer function under the weight of so much responsibility, so much anger at the injustices I perceived and all the ‘shoulds’ that circulate in my life.  So the Course in Weight Loss has been about shedding emotional and mental weight.

I started to pray again.

I never thought I’d do that.  I can meditate, have various rituals and practices – but prayer, to my mind, seemed like  a step backwards into believing in outside forces of salvation.  I never liked the idea of a God that is ‘out there’ watching and judging and keeping track of my wrong doings.  But having said that, I can remember being a small child and feeling safe and happy in church – far safer than I ever felt at home with my volatile and uncontrolled mother, or with my charming but vanishing father and his controlling wife (if you’ll pardon the hypocrisy of my own judgments).

Carl Jung said that in troubled times one must return to the religion of one’s childhood.  I draw the line at attending church (I am just not a joiner) but I’m finding great comfort in prayer and rekindling a relationship with my original understanding of the Divine.

Forgiveness has enlightened me – an I mean literally en-lightened.  I feel lighter.  I have shed a burden of anger that has been a stone in my heart for too long.  In doing so, I’ve shed a stone off my body and feel renewed.

My ‘mojo’ or appetite for sex/relationships etc hasn’t yet returned but I feel like I’m finally healing.  I’ve come to terms with so much that I’ve struggled against about this life that I’ve made for myself.  I’ve come to realise that my fears have created the troubles I have and that I can recreate my life out of Love.  I’ve started working on my relationship to life itself – making friends with it first, courting it – I’m looking for characteristics that I enjoy and for something I can truly commit to.

Another outcome of this new outlook is that I no longer tolerate the presence of negativity.  I’m not rejecting  it, I just feel myself moving away from it.  I can’t be around the ‘friend’ who carelessly tells me he ‘couldn’t ever be with a woman who has five children’ or anyone unable to look past their own ideas of me.  Likewise people who express anger, who swear, who gossip or complain – I compassionately (toward myself!) move away from this energy.

I promise not to become a zealot – but I feel like I’m in love again.

Amen

6 thoughts on “oh dear God….

  1. And ’tis the best love affair ever.

    The gift that keeps on giving, the marriage to your nature. Isn’t it funny that while full time work takes you away, it also forces your senses to be keener and sharper? It’s ironic that even as it initially creates an imbalance, it can also – if you’re paying attention as you’re doing, re-balance you even better than before. Because the validation of pay, the regularity of outer world participation, and what it allows you to do if used wisely, completes the four corners of the inner world.

    And weight. Sigh. Remember le Dukan? Weight is about protection, solace, comfort, all those things that add up to “holding on”. You know I don’t have children myself, and I always thought I’d want the privilege (that is what it is nowadays) to stay at home with them. I would still want that while they’re young but over the years, I’ve grown less and less apt to agree to a formal work stoppage. Not just for independence but because each facet informs the other. Women are so internal anyway that we need to like you say, go a-courting with life.

    Don’t worry about the mojo, we are spring eternal! It’ll pop up before you know it specially as the frost seems to have ended. So happy for you. xxx

  2. Angel (what a naughty pix) and I are both so on your side with the transformations you are
    going through, so you have a couple of guardian angels at your fingertips. THIS was what
    i envisioned this techno highway to be about, having quipped 20 years ago ‘we are all on the super-information highway & know one knows how to drive’, now we are Formula 1.
    To be so honest it hurts, to reveal what is secret, to know you are not alone. You have certainly enhanced my life, encouraged me and shared your huge capacity for love and i want the universe to give you both all your needs, dreams and desires. BOTH of you.
    The root meaning of religion is ‘to connect’ or ‘re-connect’ to your soul-spirit-self. There is
    a stage you reach where any negativity feels creepy because you have expanded so much
    and as for gossip, completely pointless.
    Now you understand forgiveness and so achieved weightloss for the mind and the delicious
    lightness of being, you have searched and now found some of the most profound keys
    available for your evolution.
    Five years ago, i had to slough off 5 long time friends that were draining me with their take on the world, so much take & no give, which left me with clients only to communicate with and my husband & wife team up North along with a couple of little furry creatures to fill the gap.
    To have experienced unusual parenting yourself has given you the knowledge to know what’s beneficial to your girls. How magic is that…5 lot’s of feminine energy surrounding you!
    You are truly sifting the gold from the dross with nowhere else to go but UP.
    The ‘Mother Energy’ is so proud of you, having been witness to the alchemical transformations you have endured.
    You are Loved
    Pegasus
    x
    x

  3. And whilst it’s Sunday, Alchemist, there is something i would like to pass onto you,
    a phrase from Leonard Orr, the ‘father of re-birthing’, Sondra Ray, being the ‘mother’,
    and me being ‘The Seeker’ in astro-talk. Absolute Truth vis a vis all other Truths,
    is one(s) that are true for everyone, the whole world, being every living being, is one that ALL accept, Universal Truth vis a vis our own Personal Ones, our Beliefs. We become what we believe.We breathe therefore we are. To’ in-spire’ means to breathe in, expire, breath out. It’s supposed to have come from Latin ‘spire’ being breath or spirit,. It’s the basis for so many yogic variations,, bodywork, music, dance, relax or accitvate, even a technique called The Christos Method, which kept me happy during my 2 year Retreat in Belgium, takes you on a journey. Osho teaches it’s ‘the gap’ between breathes where all creativity comes from, i take that to mean the Void, the blank page.
    Regarding Jung, he was a student-follower of Guidjeff & Ouspensky or they were compadres. ‘Man & his Symbols’ was one of my reading books at the ‘Retreat Rue Le Sable ‘en Belgique with Ouspensky’s writings by it’s side. Go way back to the source and we come to Ancient Civilisations, so it’s interesting he says go back to your youth. Mystic mention that last week, about Uranus and being 14, the development fast as. Replied to that and deleted it as far too private. Symbolic Imprinting is a brilliant tool of exploration, focusing and meditiation for visual persons…artists know that.
    TIME was given an fantastic explanation by that cute Professor Brown (him who explained the Hard-On Collider, don’t ya just love Myst) said ‘past present & future’ don’t exist at the same time as Einstein told it, it is pixilated, built up piece by piece, Doesn’t that sound like the Matrix’s concept, it was such a revelation and penny drop, what i had been searching for from the time i walked into the TS Society’s Library and said ‘Pass in all onto me by osmosis’, cause there was sure lot to read. Managed to take out 10%.
    It was the difference between Absolute Truth and Personal Truth that en-lightened me.
    Digress here, coz i’m in flow.
    We are coming to the bottom line ‘Love your Mother & your Father’, having catholismism
    mentioned. There is a root meaning to that word also worth looking up. The PriestHood are now Hoods, it is embarrassing to say one is catholic anymore thanks to them, that’s what happens, perversity, when the Mother is denied or denigrated as Peter and his Rock, where he built the church showed to be and you see why it happened.
    So we come to a time, where we can take what resonates with our absolutte and our personal truth and face what was hidden, the secrets they had and how it has influenced us w/o going into ‘wound-ology’. CM phrased that well. You will notice Caroline has 5 Inner Children. Why don’t we do The Map of Archetypes. SHE says ‘don’t use them as you would Tarot,’ being that she’s such a purist, she is the Inventor after all. To me they are wanting to be used as Tarot. (am loyalist to Motherpeace cards on rare occaisions).
    The pull toward a dead man bleeding nekkid on a cross, is a hard one to swallow, so to speak 🙂 the Stations of the Cross x 12 not so sweet on a young mind. THAT’S GOD?!!!!!!
    Now we have new information about The Mary’s, their power, their positions.
    It was written that Christ (Michael) went to India and Mary M was Egyptian High Priestess.
    We wonder via our DNA if their really IS a Sang Real. Theresa in Avila was on some pyscotropics as sciens has found ‘the god mollecule’ in our brains and in accordance ‘the light in the tunnels seen when dying are the electic circuitary closing down there. I see it as the brain is the hard drive and the mind the software. The soul has been weighed, very light, not much more than a gram, measurable then 🙂
    If you want your own HOUSE why not form a Company, make it a BUSINESS.
    William Bloom from “THe Endorphin Effect’ and Hi-Priest of Glaston bury, says for census purposes, say HOLISTIC as your religion. he does absolute truth too.
    Design it. A blue-print to build pixie x pixie as the quantum physicists’ say it works.
    Then take it to the Singer’s Banque. I’ll help you. If you believe and want something that
    is approved by the universe, it flows to you, all being part of all, who knows ‘cept the Goddess’s nose, and this idea has a beautiful aroma. It’s time to channell some of that 3 trillion dollars that’s floats around waiting to be brought into a CONCEPT.
    Do my plan as it works in with yours. My wall was being 30 years too soon.
    How many years of Pluto in Sagg, how propituious to solidify it in Capricorn.
    Your Saturn is to find Sancutary and to Solidify.
    Thanks for being on the planet same time as me 🙂 Prayers need to be focused on a direction so you receive feedback/bounceback, in other words directed to a powerbeing of your choice. Am i preaching to the converted? Taking tea to China? Forgive me,
    you have woken my inner philosopher. Ninth house writing 🙂
    Pegasus.
    x

  4. I did not put all those smilies on that letter. I promise you i didn’t!
    Puzzling to say the least.

  5. Hello my Winged Ones… have loved reading your replies this morning at the Cube Farm…

    Pegs – I love that your philosopher is awake! Yes, yes and yes – the house is built on the quantum/spirit level (ah ha – a spirit level will make sure it goes up straight, lol) first. I will indeed take you up on your offer for some guidance/magic and appreciate your angelic presence in my life.

    Angel – Happy Birthday Sweet Darkling (to steal your word for a moment)… Pegasus and I will raise a glass of fine french bubbles to you on Friday night. Love love love to you!

    d xx

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