Where have I been hiding?

“…you find your genius by looking in the mirror of your life. Your visible image shows your inner truth, so when you’re estimating others, what you see is what you get. It therefore becomes critically important to see generously, or you will get only what you see; to see sharply, so that you discern the mix of traits rather than a generalized lump; and to see deeply into dark shadows, or else you will be deceived.”
James Hillman, The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling

It has been too long since I wrote or journalled or sketched anything.  I’d forgotten about this blog. Life has been full, but I’ve far too often been empty. So I’m back.

There is an exercise for writers in the book The 3am Epiphany, Uncommon Exercises That Transform Your Writing – an examination of ‘where has my creativity been hiding?’.

I know I stopped writing when certain people began to have too much enquiry into my life, so I have absolutely been hiding and as a consequence, so has my creativity.

Here’s where I’ve been hiding…

I’ve been hiding in jobs – one contract or project or client after the other.  I’ve been hiding in making ends meet, making money, making career progress and other things one makes when one isn’t actually making anything of value to the soul.

I’ve been hiding in raising children.  I’ve been hiding in loving a man.  I’ve been hiding in trying to conceive, in multiple miscarriages and, finally, bringing another child into the world.

For a few months I didn’t hide so much as retreat and immerse myself into the wonder of that new child. I felt shiny for a while, but also extremely vulnerable.

Then I started hiding again in too much work and tight deadlines and my deep fear of never achieving anything to be remembered by.

I’ve been hiding in illness – in every head cold and flu and gastric upset in circulation.  I’ve been hiding in anxiety-filled insomnia and headaches and blocked, painful ears.

I’ve hidden while standing in the kitchen stuffing down meals I didn’t taste.  I’ve hidden for hours in the supermarket planning meals I never cook and instead buying the same things.

I’ve been hiding behind words shouted at people I love but who don’t hear me (because I’m hiding).

I emerge, now and then.

Time to come out, ready or not.

 

 

 

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